Have you ever done a lot, maybe too much, for someone, and they reciprocated by turning against you? Have you ever wondered why that happens? Are you damaging or ruining relationships without realizing why?
When we tend to over-function, the people around us will often tend to under-function. As we do more and more, the other people in our lives often do less and less, it’s human nature. This is especially true if your love language is “acts of service” like mine, or you are a people pleaser. You truly enjoy doing for people because it makes YOU feel good, but it can cause a deep disruption in your relationships, and even though it’s easier to blame others, our actions, particularly an overabundance of actions, can be a large contributing factor. Here are some examples:
You marry with intentions of the two of you coming together to make a life together. You quickly learn that there are many things to be done to maintain a home. You are excited and want to have a wonderful place to arrive at the end of each day. You clean the house, shop for groceries, prepare the food, do the laundry, and work a full-time job. You are showing love to your spouse by doing deeds with greatest intention in your heart, and he seems to appreciate all you do for him and your home, and it makes YOU feel really good!
You’re a single mother with young children trying to hold it altogether. The stress of life and being a mom to children counting on you for everything can, understandably, bring out a control freak mentality in you. Instead of allowing your children to take part in the chores and their own self-care, we tend to do everything for them, because we know best..... we think our way is best. With the greatest intention, you are caring for and doing all you can for your family.
You are a business owner. Your entrepreneurial spirit has caused you to tend to micromanage your employees. Instead of allowing them to use their own critical thinking skills and creative minds, you demand that they do things the way you want them. You often have an attitude of, “It’s so much easier if I just do things myself.”
These situations can often continue for long periods of time if you are feeling appreciated. However, what happens when you start feeling like you are being taken advantage of or the others are not doing their fair share, or you become overwhelmed? None of these scenarios feel good and will usually cause you to have feelings of resentment. In addition to you taking on the role of “over-functioning” and the others “under-functioning” in response, it can start mindsets of “I can’t do anything right,” or “I might as well not bother doing anything at all”, or “nothing is ever good enough so why even try”. On a subconscious level, what you have communicated to the people in your life is that you don’t believe they can do for themselves and that can lead to resentment towards you! Resentment from either or both sides in relationships and can lead to an unpleasant and unwanted endings.
I did this in my life. I was the one who handled everything. I did it all. I liked the way I did things. I enjoyed over functioning but I was unintentionally paralyzing others by not allowing them to pull their own weight, then one day I looked at the people around me and wondered why they weren’t doing anything and leaving it all up to me? I realized I was feeling used and bitter towards them. Well.... guess what? I created that reality! I found it was much easier to blame the others as being lazy or incompetent than to do the necessary inner work on myself and see the mistakes I was making. All that accomplished was making me disempowered and miserable.
We are the creators of our lives and our relationships. Be mindful of what you are subconsciously saying to people around you. Learn a lesson. Allow others do for themselves, let them pull their own weight, don’t waste your time and energy being a “right fighter”, learn to let things go and not be such a control freak! Empower the people around you to do things in their own way using their unique abilities and talents. If it is not done when you want or the way you want, it surely isn’t the end of the world now, is it? Learn to let go . . . . . .
Deb Sompel
Life Coach
Wellness Coach
Personal Trainer
Developer of RESET weight loss plan
debsompel@yahoo.com for coaching appointments